Humour – Maybe
February 5/10
Useless Facts
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn’t give her coffee.
A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.
The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represent the number of ingredients in the sauce.
A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. GROSS!
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. For example, if a strong-tasting substance like salt is placed on a dry tongue, the taste buds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of saliva is added and the salt is dissolved, however, a definite taste sensation results. This is true for all foods. Try it!
A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.
George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.
Some insects can live up to a year without their heads. (Most men can too!)
Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. (Talk about a shallow gene pool!)
Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with Midnight Cowboy.
Her entire role lasted only six minutes. (Wonder if it was a love scene-lol)
40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
The ‘spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.
Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles (jaws) into position stretch out at right angles to the stem, and, with legs dangling fall asleep.
Einstein couldn’t speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
John Wilkes Booth’s brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln’s son.
Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate effects a dog’s heart and nervous system, a few ounces enough to kill a small sized dog.
Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
Money isn’t made out of paper; it’s made out of cotton. Before it was made from Hemp. The stem and leaves of Marijuana plant.
Most lipstick contains fish scales
Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars gave out during World War II were made of wood.
The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple, and silver!
*
Top 10 rejection lines given by Men (and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You’re ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.)
6. I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.)
5. I don’t date women where I work. (You’re ugly.)
4. Its not you, it’s me. (You’re ugly.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career. (You’re ugly.)
2. I’m celibate. (You’re ugly.)
1. Let’s be friends. (You’re sinfully ugly.)
*
Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say
1. I’ll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.
2. Sure she has a great body, but how’s her personality?
3. Beer leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
4. When Bambi’s mother was shot I cried.
5. Forget the game, Oprah’s on!
6. It’s your decision.
7. I care.
*
25 Rules to help Men understand Women
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If you’ve managed to lift it up, gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.
2. Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.
3. “I ate it, didn’t I?” is not considered praise.
4. Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.
5. Get rid of your comb-over. It’s not different — it’s just as ridiculous as every other comb over. You’re losing your hair – face it.
6. An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody’s idea of a good time.
7. “Yeah yeah, you look fine” is not a compliment.
8. Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.
9. You have enough ball caps.
10. You have too many t-shirts.
11. You’re too old to wear a goatee.
12. Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one – - we’ve all heard it.
13. A hug is not always a prelude to sex.
14. When we ask “are you listening,” we already know you’re not.
15. Your best friend is an idiot.
16. Nothing says “I love you” like offering to go to the grocery store.
17. If you can rebuild the carburetor on a ’66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be snap.
18. Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers — grunts and blank stares are not.
19. A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.
21. A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.
22. Slapping us on the butt and saying “how bout getting me a cold one” is not foreplay.
23. The missionary position is best left to missionaries.
24. Rolling over and mumbling “I’ve got to get some sleep” does not produce an afterglow.
25. If it was really good for me…you wouldn’t have to ask
*
January 20/10
Friends
Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears.
His friend asked, “What has the world done to you, my old friend?”
The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars.” “That’s not bad.” “But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear.”
”Sounds like you should be grateful…”
”You don’t understand!” he interrupted. “Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million.”
Now he was really confused. “Then, how come you look so glum?”
”This week… nothing!”
*
Talking Frog
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk.
The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.
The guy says, “Look, I’m a computer geek. I don’t have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool!”
*
Where the Hell Am I?
A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic Church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.
The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replied, “No use knockin’, mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”
*
Something Got Lost in the Translation..
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
Not to be used for the other use.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
Warning: keep out of children
ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
Instructions: open packet; eat nuts.
ON BOOTS CHILDREN’S COUGH MEDICINE
Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
Product will be hot after heating
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
Do not iron clothes on body
ON SAINSBURY’S PEANUTS
Warning: contains nuts
ON TESCO’S TIRIMISU DESERT
Do not turn upside down.
*
Prison
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of books.
The second guy asks for his wife.
And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell. He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now. I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.”
They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it.”
They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”
*
Why Jeeps Are Better Than Women
1. Jeeps don’t get pregnant.
2. You can drive your Jeep any time of the month.
3. Jeeps don’t have parents.
4. Jeeps don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your Jeep with your friends.
6. Jeeps don’t care how many other Jeeps you’ve ridden.
7. When driving, you and your Jeep can arrive at the same time.
8. Jeeps don’t care how many other Jeeps you have.
9. Jeeps don’t care if you look at other Jeeps.
10. Jeeps don’t care if you buy Jeep magazines.
*
Life in the City
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Jag to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, somewhat taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, “Well then, here are the keys to my Jag…”
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
“That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest”, the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
“Wait sir”, the loan officer said, “while you were gone, we did a background check and verified that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000 from us?” The man smiled.
“Now tell me, where else could I park my Jag in Manhattan for two full weeks and pay only $15.40?”
*
January 17/10
Thigns
In the men’s room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it: “Think!”
The next day, when he went to the men’s room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, “Thoap!”
*****
January 16/10
The Lawyer
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.
A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought, “Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I can’t run down this lawyer,” and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.
Regardless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn’t see anything.
He turned to the priest and said, “Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.”
And the priest replied, “Don’t worry son. I got him with my door.”
*****
January 13/10
The Green Golf Ball
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, “Hey, why don’t you try this ball?” He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. “You can’t lose it.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean you can’t lose it?!”
The first man replies, “I’m serious, you can’t lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.”
Obviously, his friend doesn’t believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.
The friend says, “Wow! That’s incredible! Where did you get that ball?!”
The man replies, “I found it.”
*****
January 12/10
Football Joke
A 49er fan in a leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a joke about Raider fans?” The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke you should know something. I’m 6′ tall and 220 pounds and I’m a Raiders fan. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, 240 pounds and he’s a Raiders fan, and the guy sitting next to him is 6’5″, 280 pounds and he’s a Raiders fan too. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?” The 49er fan says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”
*****
January 11/10
If Men Really Ruled the World
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you’d worked for, like “Heywood ‘Blowme.”
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.
St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
The show “Cops” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops or to the crooks.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real get out of Jail Free cards per year.
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?” You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.” Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”
Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.”
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
*****
Jan 01.10
Nervous Flight
A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?” The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly.
Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and stops shaking.
Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink, which he swallows immediately.
A half-hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. “My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”
”I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man.
”Then what’s the matter? Sobbing loudly he says, “I’m trying to give up drinking.”
*****
Short fairy tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl, ‘Will you marry me?’
The girl said, ‘NO!’
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end
Ok man. That’s funny shit. My family and friends always tell me how surprised they are that I “settled down.” Marriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and also the greatest. I’m a fly fisher, surfer and all ’round selfish guy who could easily be “happy” as a single dude but I also know something would be missing. Building cool things takes time and that includes marriage and a family.
I still fart whenever I want(even more just to annoy); I have a bottle of bourbon in my man hutch(garage) for when I’m muttering about wanting to fish and surf more,and once I get my multimedia memoir out there–I’ll have plenty of money in the bank.
Good luck with your book(s).
Cheers
Ryan
http://thechinproject.wordpress.com/memoir/
Hi btidws – Yeah, it’s everybody’s little fantasy but I too am married and have two kids and as painful as it can be sometimes to the wild one that lives inside me – It is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Ryan,
How can I find out more about yoru multi-media memoir?
Ryan,
Sign your email into my blog and then you’ll know what is going on with me and I can keep beter intouch with you and what you are up to.
Mark